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Ashley
Ashley It’s been this way since Thursday.
Since Ashley died.
Something’s just . . . different.
I don’t know what it is for sure. Something’s there that just wasn’t there before.
It’s a little hole. I don’t know how it got there, or the presice moment. I think it might have arrived on Friday morning. When it sunk in. When I woke up and I knew it was for real. That this was my new reality. I’m all alone now.
There are also things gone that were there before. Like her smell. She always wore the same perfume and used the same shampoo in her hair. It’s all gone.
Her picture on my desk. It’s not real anymore. When I look at it, there’s nothing there. I want it back.
When I go to class, and her desk by me is empty. It shouldn’t be. Mine should.
I never even got to tell her.
Friday was also the day I realized what I had done. That I had caused it. That it was my fault. If I hadn’t told her I had to talk to her she wouldn’t have got in that car.
It could have waited another day. But I was stupid and impatient.
I killed her.
And now I’m going to pay the price.
I just couldn’t wait could I? No I had to tell her THEN or I would die or something I just couldn’t take it if I had to wait.
Well look what happened. Nice going.
She said she didn’t want to. She told me the roads were getting icy. She warned me. But did I listen?
No.
I never do.
It’s all my fault.
I could have waited another day.
I could have said ok I’ll talk to ya tomorrow.
One more second could have saved her life and I wouldn’t be doing this now. But it’s my fault. Her death, and mine.
It’s not like anyone’s going to stop me. I know what they think of me. I can see it in their eyes.
You can see everything about a person in their eyes.
They can’t deny it or change it. Once you see it, you know it.
I know they know I did it. When people say hi I know what they’re thnking. They’re thinking, “You did it! You killed her! She’d still be alive if it wasn’t for you!”
When they pass notes, they’re about me.
When they talk in the halls, they’re talking about me.
It’ll be better for everyone. Justice will be served. I’ll get what I deserve and everyone will be better off.
I have no other choice. It’s the only way out.
I heard somewhere that if you are a kid and you die nothing you did counts.
I wonder if it counts in this case. I’ve never really been a religious person and now I guess I’ll see what all the hype is about.
I know Ashley went to heaven.
And I know she wouldn’t want me living on like this. Now I can be with her forever. And I can finally tell her I love her. * * * Billy’s gone now. So is Ashley. It wasn’t even his fault. All he wanted was to tell her something. None of us even got to find out was what so important. He was my best friend. He wouldn’t even tell me. He was acting so weird after a few days. I mean, I know everyone has their own way of dealing with death, but I’ve never seen his stuff before. He started accusing everybody of things none of them did. He said he didn’t trust us anymore if we didn’t like him either. He said we were accusing him of killing her. None of us were. We all knew what happened. He kept denying it even though he had no reason too. We all figured it would pass. That is was just his way of dealing with things. Too late now. He loved her so much. He told me he would die for her. He told me didn’t know what he would do without her. He always lived up to his promises.